Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
