I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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