my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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