You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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