so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
