I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
