she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
tell me about the fingering
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