Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
