new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
