I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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