i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
