today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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