You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
