My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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