Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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