I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize