so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
pop tarts are not kleenex
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
