I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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