i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
This is not my ceiling
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
