wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
