My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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