You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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