I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
