see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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