did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
