sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
