I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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