Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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