I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
