AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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