I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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