I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
