As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize