If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
