I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
