I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
