I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
