And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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