Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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