I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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