TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
