Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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