now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
