I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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