do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize