We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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