The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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