for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
