party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
