im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
