sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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