she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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