At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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