Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
