So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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