Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
