I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
