the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
