If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
