I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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