If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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