My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
