Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize