just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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